In the unfolding relationship with my husband, I sometimes find myself looking into a mirror that does not always show my best "self".  Relationships, whether intimate or fleeting, offer us the opportunity to become better versions of ourselves if we are willing to look at our own human foibles, wounding and complexity as well as our brilliance. 

This was the case for me less than 24 hours ago, when I found myself responding to my husband from an automatic and defended stance, as I tried to "help and support" him during a difficult circumstance.  You see, I was quite attached to seeing him out of pain, and arriving at a place that "I" perceived as compassionate and open-hearted.  In the process, I missed validating his suffering, meeting him where he was, and quite frankly ended up adding to his pain.

My husband, held up a mirror to me in those moments by reminding me that he did not need what I was offering.  It is always hard to notice when you have caused additional pain, or have been non-supportive in an attempt to "help".  It was difficult to face this without running for the hills (another defense of mine, if the truth be told!)  Yet within a few minutes, I was brought back to my heart and the wisdom that resides inside.  Maybe it was the current book I was reading, Jamie's eyes, or simply grace that allowed me to respond more compassionately and consciously...what-ever it was, I became aware, once more, of how subtly my history and defenses lead me to act from a place of fear and avoidance.

Charlotte Kasl in her book "If the Buddha Married" wrote,  "To love better and feel more openhearted and unified with others, start to notice your attachments to thoughts and behavior of yourself and your partner. Whenever you are agitated, upset, angry, mad, or hurt, you have an attachment to something being different than it is or you are afraid of the outcome."  To this I add, "whenever you are unskillful and acting automatically, chances are this too applies!"  To face this part of the "self", to examine it and inquire into it, truly is a powerful path for healing.

As a wedding officiant who customizes ceremonies, I often work with couples who create their own rituals or adapt rituals for their wedding ceremony (which is itself a ritual!).  Rituals such as the Unity Candle, Handfasting, Rose Ceremony, Breaking of the Glass, Water Ceremony, Ribbon Cutting and even the Ring Ceremony, all come from a rich religious, cultural or spiritual context.  However, sometimes because of this association, or any number of other reasons, they do not "feel just right" for people. 

Rituals are designed to honor the significance and meaning of our lives.  So while tradition is lovely, I find myself rewriting explanations, adapting parts of rituals to include others, or creating new ones which bring together different elements of several rituals.  There are no hard and fast "rules", but here are a few of the questions I ask the couples I work with: "Why do you want to do a ritual?" "What is it you wish to honor in your relationship?" "Do you want to include parents or the community?"  "Is God or spirit invited into the ritual?"  "Is there a cultural and/or religious affiliation you want to celebrate?" "Are there rituals you have seen that you like or don't like?" 

In this process, I have co-created chocolate rituals, rock ceremonies, utilized yogic traditions, creatively honored different religious and cultural traditions such as Irish Catholic and Jewish, Buddhist and Christian, Pagan and Taoist, Agnostic and Mystic, and a host of other combination's!  The important part of this is to have fun and play! Please share with us some of the rituals you have created so we can all learn from each other.  (picture: part of a Taoist-Jewish Ceremony where circling was incorporated from a mystical context)

Michelle and Jeff were married this past Saturday in a wonderful wedding ceremony at the Colonial Inn in Gardner, MA.  Michelle had envisioned her wedding day from very early on, and soon after she met Jeff 5 years ago, she knew her dream would become a reality, for Jeff was her Prince!  Jeff, also knew that he had met someone quite special, and since their first encounter, their lives together have been filled with magical moments. 

As their wedding officiant, I worked with them to create the fairytale wedding that Michelle had dreamed of for so long and was now part of Jeff's vision.  The music for both the processional and recessional was selected from the score of Cinderella.  This selection set the tone for a magical ceremony.  Laughter and tears were experienced by all as their storybook ceremony unfolded.  Their ceremony was rich with meaning as well as fun!  Congratulations Michelle & Jeff and may your life continue to offer you magic, joy and love.

As my husband and I share a spiritual journey in the ongoing unfolding of our relationship, we have created a daily practice which allows us to commit each day anew to keeping our relationship front and center in our lives. 

We have been speaking our post wedding vow to each other for almost 30 days.  It has been sweet, meaningful and has kept us focused on what is important.  Today however,  I noticed a longing to add another moment of conscious and loving connection in our days. 

Speaking with Jamie over the phone today, I asked him what he thought about adding another practice into our day.  I could almost hear the smile across the phone line (he has been in NY for the last few days).  After he said absolutely, we tossed a few things around.  We decided that if we were to close the day with a simple statement of gratitude and love, then we would be able to awaken and rest in our relationship. 

Our statement goes something like this: "Thank-you for loving me and committing to our growth today. "
Whether these are the actual words we will speak, or they will get changed over the course of time, I do not know.  What I count on is that there are now at least two times per day when there is conscious and loving intention focused on "us".    Thank-you Jamie for being willing to nurture my heart!

Hilary and Jeremy were married at the Westin Hotel in Copley Square, Boston.  They came to the east coast for an extended weekend in September to meet and select vendors and find their officiant.  Their main concern was locating someone they connected with and would be comfortable co-creating their ceremony while they were on the West Coast.  I was so happy when we met because  there was a natural connection between us that was warm and familiar.  In our first and only face-to-face meeting, we discussed many elements that would effect their ceremony; their hopes, dreams, how they met, what marriage meant for them, possibilities of incorporating both Slovakian and Jewish wedding traditions, aspects of their relationship that they wished to honor and celebrate, and who would be actively involved in the ceremony.

Over the next few months, with the use of e-mail, and phones, we continued to get to know each other while creating a ceremony that was intimate, personal and unique to them.  While ultimately we decided against using a Slovakian Wreath Crowning Ceremony, it was fun to play with it as a possibility.  Hilary & Jeremy's wedding ceremony took place under a lovely Chuppah and we incorporated the reading and signing of an Interfaith Ketubah.  The readings that were selected focused on the nature of friendship & love and the mystical heart.    Their ceremony was marked with laughter and tears of joy.  Today, their friends and family are still speaking about how wonderful and meaningful it was.   

While it may be nice to meet in person, it is indeed possible to create a meaningful and personalized ceremony working bi-coastally!
(photo courtesy of Maureen Edwards Photography)

Relationship and marriage is a spiritual and on-going process.  Each day offers us the possibility to remain mindful of our original intentions, vows and what we hope to create with each other.  There are good times and difficult times.  Times when we feel connected and other times when we feel alone.  Over time, what we have committed and promised to our partner and/or spouse can gently fall into the background.  In the difficult times we tend to see what is wrong, in the good times we do not question.  Yet relationships and/or marriage, like a garden, need nourishment and attention if they are to remain vibrant and healthy. 

During a difficult time this past year, my husband and I decided that we were focusing too much on what was "wrong" and not enough on what was good and right between us.  We were saying words and engaging in actions that inadvertently caused pain and cultivated distance.  We had lost touch with the truth of our hearts and our desire to be good to each other.  While we loved each other, we were slipping into an unconscious state of mind and automatic responses, which while protective did not serve our relationship and marriage.  After much discussion, we decided to begin a daily practice that would help us remember the importance of our relationship. 

Now each morning when we get up, before my husband leaves for work, we speak a vow to each other.  It is simple and straight forward:

        "Today I will love you, honor you and our relationship and I will do my best not to hurt you."  

Simple yes...but the impact has been profound. For in speaking these simple words, we begin our day consciously nurturing our relationship and heart.  This post-wedding vow, allows us to fulfill upon the original vows and commitments we spoke on our wedding day.   When we get angry or fall back into an unconscious behavior, it does not last long, because the very next day we are speaking our vow again.   So in the New Year, see if this practice will make a difference in your relationship(s) and/or marriage and let me know what you find!

Melissa & Jamie were married this summer in an intimate and meaningful ceremony at the Lyman Estate in Waltham, MA.  What I remember most about their ceremony is the warmth and laughter that we all experienced as we honored and celebrated their love, relationship, and their family and friends.   Melissa and Jamie carefully thought through each detail of their ceremony.  We spoke about the tone for the day, the music and the significance of the processional itself.  When we began to explore potential rituals to include,  a sand ceremony was selected because it could be carefully crafted as a special way of honoring their parents and the family legacies that are part of their combined lives.

Melissa and Jamie returned from their honeymoon and quickly packed-up their home and moved to the west coast.  I know that their life will continue to be filled with laughter, great love and the blessings of a warm and loving family. 

As a special mention, When I looked through all the pictures of the ceremony, I was amazed at just how many wonderful moments del sol Photography captured!  Posed shots all looked natural, and the candid's were lovely. I highly recommend them!