As a relationship coach and wedding officiant, I often spend time with couples who hit snags as they approach their wedding day.  This is quite common as weddings, while an exciting time, also bring much stress.   Negotiating the wishes of families, friends, finances, and the couples own desires can be a tricky tightrope.  As well, the approaching commitment for life, can reveal hidden fears we did not know we had.  When a couple first begins to experience this, doubt can surface.  Thoughts can run the gamut of canceling the wedding or postponing it, to resolving what appears to be a riff between two people.  While often  "wedding planning" can bring this about, the truth is all couples will hit snags.

We bring all of who we are into a relationship; our history, our family of origin, our defenses as well as our longings,  hopes and dreams.  We project the good and the difficult onto our partners and then wonder why we may feel anxious and disappointed at times when our partners do not live up to our expectations.  When a couple first experiences this, I carefully inquire into each persons own history, beliefs, feelings and expectations.  I encourage both parties to look at themselves first, and not at their partners.  As we inquire into ourselves, we can begin to see patterns and defenses that we have used throughout our life to keep our souls safe.  These patterns and defenses were necessary as we negotiated our way from childhood to adulthood, but may no longer serve us.  In fact they may interfere with our capacity for intimacy. 

Relationships offer us a window into our own healing and souls journey.  To do this we must be courageous enough to actively explore and inquire into our experiences, looking at ourselves first. We can not change our partners, we can only accept responsibility for our own journey.  If we remain conscious and dedicated on this path, our own behavior changes because we begin to let go of defenses that no longer serve us.  This in turn changes the dynamics of the relationship.  As we become more open and vulnerable with our partners, as we respond with greater appreciation for the personal journey, our partners begin to shift how they respond to us.   When two embark upon this path together miracles occur! 

As a wedding officiant I attend many rehearsals and help all those involved in the wedding ceremony become comfortable with the processional, recessional and any mid ceremony participation.  Often when I speak to the parents, they are anticipating that they will sit on the side that their child is standing on.  While traditionally this is standard practice, I often recommend the opposite; that parents consider sitting opposite from their child.  This works out well as the couples I marry face each other, and as such, their parents would be looking at the back of their heads, not their face unless they switched where they sat!  So speak to your officiant, see how they will be positioning the couple and then request a different seating arrangement.  I have had several parents thank-me for this tip!

In my capacity of coach, counselor and officiant, I often notice how difficult it seems to balance all that we have on our plates.  I listen to people's yearning to be more at peace, more in touch with their inner witness and spirit, and to feel that they can balance their life differently.  While my life is less complicated than most, I have recently rediscovered the power of eliminating any electronic devices while I am driving.  Yes, that means turning off my cell phone, and mostly even my I-Pod music (although this is a bit harder for me!).  What I have noticed is that while I am clearly a safer driver on the road, bringing mindfulness to my driving by; focusing on the road, with my hands on the wheel and just driving, I actually feel more peaceful and spacious when I arrive at my destination.  This allows me to better negotiate all of what is presented to me with lightness and humor.  All of a sudden I realize I am happier, even when times might be difficult.  It actually feels to me that I am a lily on a pond!  So give it a try, even for a day, and share what you experience with us!

Over the past years, I have learned quite a bit about my personal drives and motivation in the relationship I have with my husband.  When we started our relationship over 10 years ago, I saw a person who I knew I could trust my heart with.  In the following years, as we grew and changed, some of what I thought was true about myself as well as him, was to be tested and challenged.  As we have gone through the good and the bad together, a lot of my original beliefs about what a healthy marriage "should" look like, and what my lovely husband "ought" to provide for my emotional health, as well as how I "should" take care of him in the role of wife, friend and lover, has shifted and changed.  Today, few of my original perspectives remain the same.  I know now, more than ever, that I can trust him with my heart, but our relationship has evolved, changed and  deepened in a way I would never have anticipated AND we are still a work in process.  All of which has caused me to become fascinated by other people's experience and learning's.  Today I invite you to be part of a newly launched project to help me explore how marriage and committed relationships change over time. On the initial phase of the project I am interested in your learning's and questions you might like to see explored.  You may participate by going to Sacred Spirit Sanctuary's Facebook Page. Thanks for joining the Relationship Project!

Want to have fun invitations that will have your guests smiling a year from now and have a positive impact on the environment?  Try using recycled paper that has flower seeds embedded into it.  Robin & Kenny, a couple I married last year, did precisely this.  Their invitations were both beautiful, environmentally friendly and had the lasting impact of reminding people a year later, when the flowers from the seeds bloomed, of their fun wedding day!  Greenfield Paper is the resource they used, and there are others listed if you do a google search.   Let me know what you discover!

Saturday I had the pleasure of officiating at Greg & Marta's wedding.  As a Wedding Officiant, I travel to many venues and interact with the staff on site. Greg & Marta's wedding was held at The Barn at Gibbet Hill in Groton, Massachusetts. This was my first time at this venue, and I must say it made it to the top of my list!  Picturesque, and impeccably designed to maintain it's historic structure while offering simple but elegant surroundings, you couldn't ask for a more lovely location to have that "New England" feel.

When I work with venue site staff, my experience varies from extremely open in allowing the couple to think through what they want, to an attitude of "this is how we do it here".  At Gibbet Hill, the site staff was highly organized, friendly and attentive without being intrusive.  They offered their wisdom and choices to Marta & Greg at the rehearsal, and throughout their process.  While I did not have the pleasure of sampling the food, my husband and I will be going back to the Grill and enjoying a wonderful meal in August!  Check this venue out for any celebration or honoring you are thinking about, and let me know about your experience!

As a Celebrant, I encourage people to use music to help establish a mood and set an overall tone for any celebration or life tribute they are planning. The right choice of music can open people's heart and help them be present to the moment. Often I get asked, where do I begin?  To start, what is the overall tone you wish to set? Is it intimate? fun? serious? joyous?  You may even find that you want to start out with one mood and end with a different one.  Once you have a clear sense of this, think about all your favorite music.  If you are planning a tribute or remembrance, think about the person you are honoring, did they have favorite music?  If not start listening.  The web is a great source of possibilities.  Visit musicians websites, they usually have great samplers!  If you google "ceremony musicians" you will have a wonderful selection to choose from. Or you can always begin by visiting my dear friend Carol's site.

One consideration for you:  if you are not using live music, you will want to think about people's ability to sit through songs or music when there is no other activity going on.  For instance, it might be perfect in a memorial service to play a recorded cello piece during a moment of reflection or honoring.  Playing a recorded song that is 3 minutes long in a Wedding Ceremony, (unless people get up and dance!) probably will have some people squirming.  While 3 minutes may not seem long, it really is for your guests!  The important part of this is to have fun and enjoy the selecting process.  If you are working with a DJ, or musician friends they will also be able to help a great deal.  

This is the time of year as a wedding officiant and celebrant, I begin sitting with people who are planning their weddings for next year.   While some couples I speak to have hired some of their vendors, I find that many have not yet located the right photographer, DJ, or Day of Wedding Coordinator.  In these cases, I offer personal referrals to professionals I have worked with that I believe are tops in their field.  My criteria is their professionalism, their ability to listen to the individual needs of my couples, their ability to proactively work with other vendors, and their knowledge of what it takes, down to the smallest detail, of making sure the ceremony and wedding celebration is smooth and seamless.  Referrals from someone you trust is a good way to ensure that you are getting the right person for your special day.  If your officiant does not have referrals that they would for their own day, if they don't "rave" about whose card or name they are giving you, keep looking.  The preliminary leg work will pay off on your big day!

So I am all "synced" and ready to go.  This occurred as a result of stepping back, letting go and allowing a different possibility to emerge in my brain, not surprisingly, after I blogged about it!  Here I am a mere 3 days later and a new challenge has emerged.  Coming into the 21st century has brought with it the down side of being available 24-7.  After 2 days of using my Blackberry, this down side became an obstacle.  Attached to my Blackberry, checking each e-mail that comes in and responding instantaneously, I have lost my equilibrium and the way my day unfolds.  In fact what I really lost was the awareness that I have a choice.  The Blackberry was a tool I wanted to use to help me manage the flow of my work life, but in the past 2 days, this tool has taken over my life!  Another opportunity for conscious intention and mindfulness.  Enjoy your holiday weekend.  I will because I am choosing to turn off the Blackberry!

My friends have been leaving me messages over the past 3 days, wondering where I have been.  A quick answer: in a technology black hole that apparently did not want me to leave.  Kicking and screaming I decided to come into the 21st century. Yes, I did the ultimate, I went electronic on my calendar & got a data plan on my phone.  Which is when the black hole was created, because within 3 days of getting my new PDA, neither I, nor my special friend Stephen of Agency 3, could get this device to download e-mails.  After 6 hours on the phone with my cell service provider, it was determined that I should change phones and get a different type of phone.  Okay, so there I am with my brand new Blackberry and guess what?  The black hole got wider and wider. Today I am still not "synced" and have spent more hours than I care to admit away from being centered and grounded.  The final realization?  My moment of truth and learning?  I created this black hole.  Yes, all the technological challenges were present, but I became obsessed with trying to make it all work.  I needed to pace myself, not become so absorbed that everything else was excluded, but allow movement in and out of the situation.  Einstein is quoted as saying, "you cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it".  While I may not have created the initial challenge, I did create the problem of the black hole.  Today I stepped back, took several deep breaths (yes I had forgotten to breath too!) and allowed the reality in--it will work itself out, maybe not today, but eventually it will.  Until then?  I have a choice as to how I respond to it, I can be obsessed, or breath and allow it to unfold naturally.  Today I am breathing!