As a Wedding Officiant and Celebrant who customizes ceremonies, I am always learning from my couples about the small ways that meaning can be brought to the ceremony.  I have the honor of officiating at the upcoming wedding of Michelle and Jeff.  When we first sat down and spoke, they told me they were making their wedding rings.  Normally when people say this to me I find that they are designing them, and have an artisan who crafts them.  Michelle and Jeff however are not only designing them, but physically making their own!  A wedding ring is a token and reminder on the hands that you work, play and caress with, of the vows you speak and commitment to companion each other in this life.  The act of crafting each others rings brings special meaning to the rings,the exchange of rings, and honoring your marriage as you continue to grow in your life together.  If you are interested check out The Wedding Ring Workshop.  They are located in several countries and have local venues.  I so look forward to creating a special ceremony with particular attention paid to Michelle & Jeff's creation of their rings.  Enjoy!

I have been wrestling recently with my personal history's hold over my life, and how each day I find myself living from it versus in the moment.  I am truly blessed to have a life that is filled with richness and possibility and yet, some days I find myself experiencing a mild depression or sadness.  An inquiry into my sadness yesterday, led me once again to the simple truth that I live from my history more than I would care to admit.  If my life were a movie in the making, then I would quite comfortably be the writer of the script, the casting director, the director, the actors...need I say more?  When one of the actors says or does something I don't like, or it doesn't fit into the way the script is written, I have basically two possibilities; react to it in a number of ways (becoming angry, sad, withdrawn) or rewrite the script!  What prevents me from rewriting the script?   Usually it is my automatic response, based upon my history and my minds interpretation of what it all means, that keeps me stuck.  If I am courageous enough to be "present to/go into/stay with" (in this case the sadness),  breathe into it...physically experience it...than 9 times out of 10, a new experience emerges.  Yesterday, I moved from sadness to a peacefulness and sense of strength. Ah relief!

That I might actually be able to rewrite the script by simply living and inquiring into the moment is the most profound possibility of all.  It means that each day I consciously choose this possibility, moving through any resistance that might appear, and it does appear!  While it may sound simple, personally I am aware of just how difficult this can be.  As always, please share your thoughts and experiences.

As a wedding officiant who specializes in custom ceremonies I often ask the people I am working with about the logistics leading up to the wedding day.  Many couples are planning their weddings themselves and while they may have an on-site  coordinator, are often not unaware of how overwhelming last minute preparations can be.  Coordination of musicians and the officiant, coordination of amplification for the ceremony, flower location for the ceremony and then the reception, timing of the photographer and bus shuttles, gift basket delivery, marriage license and the list goes on.  While many site coordinators do a terrific job, the extent to which they are looking at all the details leading up to the day is limited.  Bernadette Smith of It's About Time Events talks about all the details that a day of wedding coordinator will handle for you in her Blog.   I have officiated at several weddings where the stress and tension of these details caused many a tear.  The day of your wedding should be joyous and as stress free as possible. If you are planning a wedding at a function hall, hotel, etc. I highly recommend considering a "day" of wedding coordinator to alleviate stress and worry and allow you to focus on enjoying your day!

This weekend I had the pleasure of blessing and welcoming a baby into the lives of a family.  As an officiant this is always an honor and joyous ceremony for me.  When we participate in a baby blessing and welcoming ceremony we connect with the excitement of possibilities; who will they become?, who will they love?, what will their gifts & talents be?, how will they contribute to the world?  In holding an innocent child, consciously speaking about our commitment to love, support and honor their unique path, we begin to create a foundation from which they will  grow into their own personhood.  This foundation requires that we remain conscious on a daily basis that in every action, thought and deed, we reflect back to our child their innate goodness and value in the world.  It is an awe-inspiring responsibility and one that transforms us to our very core.  For in our commitment to serve our children with open and loving hearts, we must heal our own lives.  In this way our children become one of our greatest teachers and healers.  Your comments are always welcome.

This week has been quite a roller coaster ride for me.  As an officiant who honors and celebrates life, I am rarely surprised by the range of joy and sorrow that arises as we companion each other; as friend, lover, parent, colleague, daughter or son and yes even beloved pet, along life's path. This weekend, among the joy of officiating at a wedding, and a baby blessing, I was also confronted by the death of a young person, just 25, whom I was to marry within a few months, a colleague's lost struggle with cancer and the words of many who had been touched by her life and death, and a dear friend whose beloved pet is dying.  The intensity of these experiences, on the those celebrating, honoring and grieving touched me to my very core, and my reaction to this was a bit surprising.  Surprising because within a few days, I personally felt the great heights of joy and great grieving for the unanswerable why's in life.  In staying with all my emotions, I became aware that I needed to find an anchor that would allow me to experience all that was arising.   I landed on the infinity symbol. This symbol reminds me of the unending nature of existence, the natural ebb and flow of life, and that if I can return to a still point within (the center of the infinity), I am able to fully experience the sweetness and grief while breathing into each moment.  Realizing that I gravitated toward an anchor, I became curious, what are the anchors people use to maintain balance, and live life to the fullest?  Please share your thoughts.

As a wedding officiant, couples often ask me the meaning behind the rituals they see.  A few days ago I had a question about the custom of the bride wearing something old, new, borrowed and blue.  Was this something that this particular person needed to focus on?  I explained the meaning of this ritual and she suggested that it should be posted on my blog, so I share it with you.  If you are considering following this tradition, according to Barbara Biziou in her book "the Joys of Everyday Rituals" here is what you might like to know:  something "old" honors the connection to one's ancestors, something "new"" honors the beginning of your relationship with your betrothed, something "borrowed" is your desire for fertility (in olden times, it was borrowed from the most fertile person in the village) and wearing something blue is the connection to the Goddess.  If you actually do a search on the internet, you will find other explanations!   Please let me know if you have any questions about other rituals.
 

So the wedding is over, and everyone has gone home, the ceremony and day become a fading memory, what do you do now?  Continue as you have done before?  As a relationship coach who offers premarital and post marital guidance and facilitation, I encourage people to re-read the vows they have spoken.  Vows are conscious promises you make to one another, yet they can often get lost in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of our lives.  Taking them out and working with them in a conscious way offers you the possibility of keeping your relationship strong and vibrant.  Your vows can be the lived expression of your love and life together if you return to them often, asking yourself and each other; Are we living these vows? What is working in our relationship?  What is Missing that would make a difference?  What do we know now that we didn't know when we wrote them? Do we need to revisit  and restate the vows?  It is helpful to remember that this is not a time to blame for what might be wrong, but a time for remembering the reasons you are together.  Please share your thoughts or questions.

The past 2 weeks I have been struggling with a cold.  While I was able to do minimal things, my energy was sapped and my brain was foggy.  What I recall most about these last few weeks was not that I was happy to rest, or that I had shut down because my body is wise and knows what it needs. Rather, I was upset with myself for not getting more work done.  I was in fact quite lax in writing blog posts, or meeting my own deadline for creating ceremonies or workshops. My judge and critic was so active, I realize that I expended more energy berating myself than simply listening to my own inner wisdom that I needed rest.  In hindsight I can laugh, but the reality is I have spent years quieting my own inner critic, only to discover how subtle she can be.  My challenge is to not let her in the front door, and if she does make it in to say, "Can I please show you the exit?"   Your experience and insights are helpful and welcome!

Recently I have spoken to several couples who were thinking about having a friend officiate at their wedding.  They were not sure if this was the best idea, so quite wisely, asked me if they could come in for a free consultation.  As a wedding officiant based in Massachusetts, I am always delighted to meet with people who are trying to make this decision. There are a few questions I ask, the first is why?  I get many answers to this from budget restrictions to wanting to have someone they know officiate so they can have something personal and special.  From this answer we begin an exploration of what a professional who is focused on customizing weddings can provide, versus the friend or family.   Carol of Intermezzo Players has written about what she has observed at the weddings where friends have officiated.  As she suggests, if you have someone who is use to public speaking, and can speak from their heart you have a possibility that this will work out for you.  However, there are other considerations you may want to think about.  Feel free to respond with questions you may be having, or your own experience.

The final step to putting your vows together is combining the context with the promises you created.  As you combine these read them out loud and ask yourself, does something feel like it might be missing?  Are there specific words that you use in describing your relationship that are not included in the draft?  If you live up to these vows, each and every day, would they nurture and sustain your marriage?

If you have answered yes to all of this, you are ready to fine-tune the wording and flow. As you begin, look for anything that may be repetitive and/or complicated by how you use language.  As a wedding officiant, I have experienced again and again, that simple, specific and from the heart vows are perceived as more personal, meaningful and eloquent by the couple and those invited to witness your marriage.  If you remove redundancy and pay attention to how ideas flow together, changing words that connect to the next thought and playing with what should come first, you will find that you have written a vow that's just right for you.

You can test this by reading them out loud several times.  Return to them each day for 2-3 days asking yourself each time, is there something that is missing or does not feel quite right yet?   Deciding to keep it brief or a bit longer is a personal choice, here are 2 versions using the context and promises below:

_____, as my friend, partner and lover you have supported me in my personal journey with love, compassion, loyalty and tenacity.  With respect and integrity in my actions towards you, I promise this day to support your growth as an individual; sharing in your dreams and being of comfort to you in difficult times.  As your friend, partner and lover, I will communicate honestly with you, listening between the words for your truth, and balancing your truth with my own, no matter how difficult it may seem.  I will trust our relationship through the joys and sorrows of life always standing by your side and sleeping in your arms.  Knowing that I can be overly serious, I promise to ensure that there is always fun and playtime for us.  I promise to live these vows for today and all of our tomorrows.

_____, as my friend, partner and lover you have changed my life.  I promise this day to support as you have always supported me, communicating honestly and trusting the essence of our relationship.  I promise to play and have fun with you, keeping our love alive.  With respect and integrity in my thoughts and actions towards you, this promise is made in love for all my days. 


While I have only dealt with the actual writing of your own vows, as an officiant, I have married couples who have used poetry and music as their vows.  When it comes to promises from the heart, I encourage you to explore your own unique way of speaking and expressing these to your betrothed. Hopefully, this process has been helpful.  Please feel free to comment and let me know if you have other approaches to the writing of vows.