In the unfolding relationship with my husband, I sometimes find myself looking into a mirror that does not always show my best "self".  Relationships, whether intimate or fleeting, offer us the opportunity to become better versions of ourselves if we are willing to look at our own human foibles, wounding and complexity as well as our brilliance. 

This was the case for me less than 24 hours ago, when I found myself responding to my husband from an automatic and defended stance, as I tried to "help and support" him during a difficult circumstance.  You see, I was quite attached to seeing him out of pain, and arriving at a place that "I" perceived as compassionate and open-hearted.  In the process, I missed validating his suffering, meeting him where he was, and quite frankly ended up adding to his pain.

My husband, held up a mirror to me in those moments by reminding me that he did not need what I was offering.  It is always hard to notice when you have caused additional pain, or have been non-supportive in an attempt to "help".  It was difficult to face this without running for the hills (another defense of mine, if the truth be told!)  Yet within a few minutes, I was brought back to my heart and the wisdom that resides inside.  Maybe it was the current book I was reading, Jamie's eyes, or simply grace that allowed me to respond more compassionately and consciously...what-ever it was, I became aware, once more, of how subtly my history and defenses lead me to act from a place of fear and avoidance.

Charlotte Kasl in her book "If the Buddha Married" wrote,  "To love better and feel more openhearted and unified with others, start to notice your attachments to thoughts and behavior of yourself and your partner. Whenever you are agitated, upset, angry, mad, or hurt, you have an attachment to something being different than it is or you are afraid of the outcome."  To this I add, "whenever you are unskillful and acting automatically, chances are this too applies!"  To face this part of the "self", to examine it and inquire into it, truly is a powerful path for healing.