As a celebrant, I encourage the couples I work with to fully be themselves and to enjoy their ceremony.  Catie and Pete listened very carefully to this tip when, after they processed down the aisle, immediately went directly to the KISS!  They were so excited to be getting married, they were absolutely themselves!  We all laughed and any nervousness disappeared into a wisp of air. 

Their ceremony was an intimate one, filled with family and friends offering their intentions and blessings which were written on stones and included in a lovely water ceremony.  The first reading was perfect for them as it was actually an analogy of marriage and bicycle riding..leading to much laughter.  Catie's brother and sister shared a special song, and I wrote a personal and special reflection for them, which I must admit I shed a few tears through! 

Throughout the ceremony, Catie, Pete, their family and their friends laughed, cried, and enjoyed themselves as they witnessed, celebrated and honored the joining of their lives in marriage. 

I have loved working with them and know that we will forever remain in each others hearts!  Congratulations Catie & Pete may you continue to be fully yourself and enjoy each day of your lives.

In my own life and the work I do with others as a relationship coach,  I am consistently reminded of the changing nature of our lives and our own personal growth.  It requires a conscious effort to remain connected to our own growth and that of those with love...looking with a "beginner's mind" at who we are waking up with and going to sleep with.    The most profound commitment we can make to another is that of constancy.  Constancy of our presence and constancy of an open and loving heart.  It is our ability to bear witness to our own and our beloved's changing self, with a compassionate presence, that allows for miracles to appear in our lives.  So today, take a moment and celebrate and marvel in the newness in your beloved and yourself!

As a wedding officiant who focuses on meaningful and customized wedding ceremonies, I spend a great deal of time writing reflections for couples.  This is not necessarily a quick process.  Often I need to be still to uncover the words or metaphors that will capture what I sense about two people and their relationship.  It is in these moments of silence that a new "phrase" or concept will emerge that I have not explored before.  This happened during the last few weeks and I have been exploring it ever since! The metaphor that came through me was: "Artisan's of Relationship".  This felt quite powerful, for Artisans are "workers" who have a passion for their art...whether it be writing, weaving, painting, carpentry, engineering, etc.  They apprentice, study, and acquire great skill at their craft as they learn to be masters, and in the process create works that support, enhance, enrich and nourish our lives.  For those of us who have become artisans of our relationships, this is our sacred journey in life...to work, study and perfect our craft.  It is an ever unfolding journey that heals our lives.   The next inquiry for me: How do I live as an Artisan, and in what ways do I abandon my craft?  Please share your thoughts!

So you are about to look for an officiant who will truly customize your ceremony.  You have your list of questions you are going to ask, and a list of several possible officiants to work with.  The real question is...how will you know if the person you work with will really customize your ceremony and will pay attention to the small details that ensure your ceremony runs smoothly?

While all the questions you may have written down give you answers, and you will have a "gut" feel, my recommendation as an officiant who works throughout Boston and Massachusetts and hears many many stories is...do your homework. 

Ask the person you are considering using if you can speak to a few couples they have worked with.  Ask those couples what they liked and what they would change about the process.  Did they feel that their ceremony was unique, meaningful and special.  Ask them if they had fun with their officiant in the process.   If your perspective officiant is not comfortable with providing real referrals other than the testimonials on their site, this might be a red flag. 

If in your initial meetings with an officiant, he/she does not discuss how they may work with other vendors...make sure you ask.  A good question might be...Do you, ahead of time, provide a ceremony outline to the musician, photographer, videographer, on-site coordinator and any other professionals you may be working with.  If the answer is not normally, it is a strong hint that the small details may be missed.  When checking with other couples verify that this actually was done for them.

The person you select to create a unique and meaningful wedding ceremony is one of the most important decisions you will make for your wedding day...do your homework and make sure the person you find to work with is the perfect choice for you.

 

As a relationship coach, I work with many people who wish to strengthen their relationships and live with greater awareness and intention as they strive to keep their relationship vibrant, fun and loving.   The common complaint I hear is, "This is great when we are working with you and have this focused time to explore our challenges.  We can hold onto what we learn here for a week, maybe even a bit longer, but our lives get complicated and after a while, we slip back to our old patterns.   How do we find the time and/or remember to keep this going?" 

This is a terrific inquiry, and while there are many tips and tricks you can incorporate, my answer usually focuses on some specific practices you can easily incorporate into your life.

• Speak a vow to each other at the beginning of each day:  this works particularly well when you wake in the morning if you can coordinate your schedules.  (see my blog entry: A Post-Wedding Vow)      
  
• At the end of each day acknowledge something you are grateful for with your loved one,  even if it has been a difficult day between you…it might be how grateful you are that you are able to work through things, or trust that you will come together again.
• Make a specific time to get together at least once a week…make this time sacred i.e a "date night" or a special time after the day is over that you chat without TV or other distraction. 
  
• Find a time to focus on the relationship separate from “date” night.  Monthly is usually reasonable, and weekly if you can fit it in is terrific!  Use this time to  either create a shared vision, or to explore relationship philosophy by read a book on relationships, or discussing how you can each listen better to one another. 
  
• Finally, remind yourself that you and your spouse, partner, friend, lover or family member, are human and will make mistakes.  The simple truth is that neither you or your loved one would do anything to intentionally cause pain.

Share your own thoughts so others can benefit! 

     
My greatest passion and life journey can be summed up in one word "relationship".  Whether it is an intimate relationship with my husband, a close friend, my family, or an acquaintance or business associate, I am fascinated by all that can occur, and the impact that we can make on each other, when we bring intention to our actions, thoughts and deeds. 

As a relationship coach, interfaith minister and wedding officiant,  I have the pleasure of working with couples or partners to establish a relationship and/or marriage vision.  This is a wonderful process that allows each person in the partnership to explore their individual beliefs, values and commitments surrounding their relationship.  Sharing this with each other, they create a shared vision which highlights their joint commitments in the day to day unfolding of their lives and future goals.   This vision allows them to begin the process of looking at all the different aspects of their lives; work, family, emotional support, leisure time, financial life, future goals, etc, and to recognize what supports their vision and what does not. 

Relationships are not static, they are alive with possibility.  They change each day as we shift and grow.  When we bring conscious intention to them; when we realize that our relationships offer us the opportunity to become the best person we can be; then we have the desire to keep them vibrant. 

This is not necessarily easy work, but it can be fun, motivating and rich with personal growth and understanding for oneself and your partner.  A vision, like a relationship, is not static.  So regardless of how or where you start, when you create a vision you are also agreeing to an ongoing process of communication, re-evaluation and growth.  

The vows you exchange at your wedding ceremony are some of the most important words you will ever speak. They are promises from your heart that not only honor your relationship, but also focus on what you are committed to creating together.   As a wedding officiant based in Massachusetts, I often encourage the couples I work with to spend time carefully considering the vows they will use in their wedding ceremony.  If crafted or chosen with intention and forethought, the vows you speak can be a powerful tool in helping to keep your relationship vibrant and healthy for the years to come. 

It does not need to be stressful or complicated, you can begin by searching the internet for vow samples, refer to poetry, song lyrics, philosophy and relationship books...see what speaks to your heart. 

If you are working with an officiant who creates custom ceremonies, they should be able to provide you with samples that are selected specifically for you.  (This is often accompanied with a simple instruction sheet for "putting your vows together").  Then cut and paste...edit words or paragraphs, combine vows, and when you have a rough draft... put them down for a few days.  Come back to them and ask yourself if they feel right and complete.  If not...look for the words that "don't quite capture it" or ask "what is missing?".  Your officiant, if they have taken the time to get to know you,  should be able to help you smooth them out so they "fit" for you. 

Remember to have fun with this...perfection is not needed...keep your heart open and you will find the right words and sentiments.  If you are interested in a more in-depth process, please feel free to read my article on "Writing your Personal Wedding Vows"
Peace and Blessings,  LisaAnn
 

In the unfolding relationship with my husband, I sometimes find myself looking into a mirror that does not always show my best "self".  Relationships, whether intimate or fleeting, offer us the opportunity to become better versions of ourselves if we are willing to look at our own human foibles, wounding and complexity as well as our brilliance. 

This was the case for me less than 24 hours ago, when I found myself responding to my husband from an automatic and defended stance, as I tried to "help and support" him during a difficult circumstance.  You see, I was quite attached to seeing him out of pain, and arriving at a place that "I" perceived as compassionate and open-hearted.  In the process, I missed validating his suffering, meeting him where he was, and quite frankly ended up adding to his pain.

My husband, held up a mirror to me in those moments by reminding me that he did not need what I was offering.  It is always hard to notice when you have caused additional pain, or have been non-supportive in an attempt to "help".  It was difficult to face this without running for the hills (another defense of mine, if the truth be told!)  Yet within a few minutes, I was brought back to my heart and the wisdom that resides inside.  Maybe it was the current book I was reading, Jamie's eyes, or simply grace that allowed me to respond more compassionately and consciously...what-ever it was, I became aware, once more, of how subtly my history and defenses lead me to act from a place of fear and avoidance.

Charlotte Kasl in her book "If the Buddha Married" wrote,  "To love better and feel more openhearted and unified with others, start to notice your attachments to thoughts and behavior of yourself and your partner. Whenever you are agitated, upset, angry, mad, or hurt, you have an attachment to something being different than it is or you are afraid of the outcome."  To this I add, "whenever you are unskillful and acting automatically, chances are this too applies!"  To face this part of the "self", to examine it and inquire into it, truly is a powerful path for healing.

As my husband and I share a spiritual journey in the ongoing unfolding of our relationship, we have created a daily practice which allows us to commit each day anew to keeping our relationship front and center in our lives. 

We have been speaking our post wedding vow to each other for almost 30 days.  It has been sweet, meaningful and has kept us focused on what is important.  Today however,  I noticed a longing to add another moment of conscious and loving connection in our days. 

Speaking with Jamie over the phone today, I asked him what he thought about adding another practice into our day.  I could almost hear the smile across the phone line (he has been in NY for the last few days).  After he said absolutely, we tossed a few things around.  We decided that if we were to close the day with a simple statement of gratitude and love, then we would be able to awaken and rest in our relationship. 

Our statement goes something like this: "Thank-you for loving me and committing to our growth today. "
Whether these are the actual words we will speak, or they will get changed over the course of time, I do not know.  What I count on is that there are now at least two times per day when there is conscious and loving intention focused on "us".    Thank-you Jamie for being willing to nurture my heart!

Relationship and marriage is a spiritual and on-going process.  Each day offers us the possibility to remain mindful of our original intentions, vows and what we hope to create with each other.  There are good times and difficult times.  Times when we feel connected and other times when we feel alone.  Over time, what we have committed and promised to our partner and/or spouse can gently fall into the background.  In the difficult times we tend to see what is wrong, in the good times we do not question.  Yet relationships and/or marriage, like a garden, need nourishment and attention if they are to remain vibrant and healthy. 

During a difficult time this past year, my husband and I decided that we were focusing too much on what was "wrong" and not enough on what was good and right between us.  We were saying words and engaging in actions that inadvertently caused pain and cultivated distance.  We had lost touch with the truth of our hearts and our desire to be good to each other.  While we loved each other, we were slipping into an unconscious state of mind and automatic responses, which while protective did not serve our relationship and marriage.  After much discussion, we decided to begin a daily practice that would help us remember the importance of our relationship. 

Now each morning when we get up, before my husband leaves for work, we speak a vow to each other.  It is simple and straight forward:

        "Today I will love you, honor you and our relationship and I will do my best not to hurt you."  

Simple yes...but the impact has been profound. For in speaking these simple words, we begin our day consciously nurturing our relationship and heart.  This post-wedding vow, allows us to fulfill upon the original vows and commitments we spoke on our wedding day.   When we get angry or fall back into an unconscious behavior, it does not last long, because the very next day we are speaking our vow again.   So in the New Year, see if this practice will make a difference in your relationship(s) and/or marriage and let me know what you find!